ITK pie

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Here's the best ITK I've heard this season which I didn't share at the time mainly because I'm not dependent on having people fall at my feet and lay praise on me like some demi-God of knowledge with a megalomaniac's lust for attention and for breaking news that probably won't happen because I've got the horn over some info passed onto me on good faith which must mean it's true. Oh look, I've shared something so I'm more important than you. Don't worry though, if I get it wrong I'll pretend I never said it or just squeeze in a caveat of convenience to allow for my escape.

/parody paradox

Names have been changed to avoid libel and ITK has been dipped with additional cryptic juice to further confuse and deflect.

The Play-as-go contract

Cuthbert trains with the first team, gallops around like a stallion, then rules himself out for the weekend game because of a mysterious injury he's picked up that can't be accounted for out on the training pitch - the equivalent to calling in sick, citing a headache but for some illogical reason explaining your absence with a gravelly voice like you've got a sore throat. Goes unquestioned because if you go up against him, you'll end up broken and destroyed.

Mad Man

"I'm injured"

"No you're not"

"I'm injured"

"You're not injured"

"I'm pretty sure I'm injured"

"You're not, stop being a pussy-cat"

Trains, plays, still complains.

"I'm injured"

"You're not injured. Allow me to introduce you to this new spiffing Spurs kit"

"That's a strait-jacket"

"No it's not. It's the new Under Armour protective range. Stops you from self-harming"

"It's a strait-jacket"

"Let's not get bogged down with the technicalities"

Still complains, can no longer play.

"I'm injured"

"No you're not"

"Second opinion?"

"He's injured"

"Told you"

"Oops, sorry, turns out you were right all along"

"Now what?"

"We're gonna need that strait-jacket back"

Close shave

So you agree to buy a car that's part-owned by more than one person with the money to be exchanged covering the transaction for all concerned but just before any hands are shook to conclude the deal you side-step the person you've been talking to and attempt to purchase the vehicle with a cheaper deal and a kick-back (that still means you spend less money) by getting someone else to purchase it for you. The rouse fails and the bluff is called out with the car eventually exported to another buyer that just paid the asking price without any Machiavellian snaking.

Between the two of us

"Listen, I really like that painting"

"It's £15,000"

"I like it. I want it. Here's £25,000"

"It's not worth that amount and that isn't the asking price"

"I know, but just take the 25k"

"Why?"

"I don't know but it will drive people crazy trying to work it out"