How many ITK's does it take to change a light-bulb?

Spurs News 24/7

From 2009. Still relevant.

Q) How many In The Know's does it take to change a light-bulb?

A) None.

20 to express confidence in the light-bulb being changed successfully.
20 to suggest there's a real possibility it won't be changed.
12 to claim it should be changed by the end of the day but no guarantee.
23 to inform all there will be announcement later on in the day once the light bulb has been changed. Or possibly tomorrow morning.
7 to reiterate to all that they have to wait and see what happens.
17 to say the old bulb has lost it's spark.
9 to confirm the new light-bulb is looking good and should be a perfect fit.
5 to cryptically suggest that the 'sky has no rays shining down upon us until the Sun rises high in the sky' (translated: "Has anyone gone to Tescos yet to buy a new bulb?"
6 to go pick up lunch from Burger King.
15 to suggest a plumber might be better suited for the job.
5 to let everyone know that the new bulb will be world class.
11 to inform not to expect much, bulb might be purchased from Pound Stretcher.
9 to suggest the bulb might not need changing, but if someone comes in with a new one...
7 to hold up a ladder to reach the bulb and 1 to suggest a tree might provide sterner support.
80 to stand God-like around the ladder chanting 'Kneel before Zod' whilst worshippers pray and unequivocally await for news of when the bulb will be changed, refusing to look up and see for themselves.
10 to read instructions on how to change a light-bulb online.
10 more to claim they also read the instructions but didn't really, but insist they know how to.
5 to state categorically that if they change the bulb and it fails to work, it's not their fault, but the fault of the person who gave them the instructions.
22 to claim to be patient as the new light-bulb is being imported from abroad.
5 to say they've read on Twitter that the bulb has been changed already.
7 to point out the bulb will hang from the centre, but will enough light get to the left-side of the room?
4 to wait for the second the bulb is changed, and then quickly call everyone they know and tell them the bulb is about to be changed.
3 to watch the bulb being changed from afar and then tell everyone they know that the reason the bulb was changed was because the older bulb flickered too much and needed replacing.
4 to say that something will be done before Tesco's shut otherwise they'll have to wait until it re-opens.
2 to call order and inform all that they are about to conclude the changing of the light-bulb, possibly two bulbs. One's a Halogen the other Fluorescent but possibly has very good colour-rendering ability. Should be rare-earth tri-phosphor. Electricians will hold a press conference some time this week, possibly towards the end of next week for the first bulb with the second announcement to follow soon after if a further bulb is used. Decent voltage for both bulbs. One of them has long-term life with up to 10,000 hours while the other will be a surprise (but a good one - possibly energy saving) and has thus far enjoyed a brief warm-up period to reach full brightness but is looking forward to hanging from the ceiling.

And...

1 passer-by to point out that there is no light-bulb to change because they're standing around in a dark room with no electricity.