Dear Mr Levy, I emailed but you still ain't callin
DML was 14 years old in the month of May, so naturally, it makes sense to revisit and revise (for modern times) the quintessential satirical Dear Mr Levy blog from 2009.
With the deepest heart felt apology to Eminem and his trademark "Stan" track which tells a story of an obsessed fan who writes to the rapper without (initially) receiving a reply.
DAN 2021
Chorus:
My supports gone cold I'm wondering why I
go to Spurs at all
The timeline seethe clouds up my iphone
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be memes
Put the Bahamas on my wall
It reminds me, that ENIC’s so bad
ENIC’s so bad
[Spooky]
Dear Mr Levy, I emailed but you still ain't callin
I left my Twitter, my Insta, and my dick pic at the bottom
I sent two letters back in lockdown, along with half a gram you must not have got 'em
There probably was a problem with security or the postmen
Sometimes they just throw out my parcels when I drop them
But anyways; f*ck it, what's happening Dan? How's the naming rights going?
I got furloughed too, but I’m still spending in the club shop
If I spend more cash, I’ll be fully bankrupt, loving that purple top
I'ma still give you my money
I read about your mate Perez too, I'm sorry
I had a friend mug himself over Chirpy, who didn't smile and wave back
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even liked the director shit that you did with Comolli the Modric Stan
I got a room full of your THST minutes and your letters to supporters man
I like the sh*t you did with All or Nothing too, that sh*t was deadpan
Anyways, I hope you get this guv, hit me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, proper Spursy
This is Spooky
Chorus
[Spooky]
Dear Mr Levy, you still ain't texted or pinged me, does Donna Cullen never write a post-it note, she disrespect me?
I ain't mad - I just think it's F*CKED UP I don’t float your boat
If you didn't wanna talk to me at the old White Hart Lane
You didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Cuddly Poch
That's my little effigy man, he's a reminder of good times of old
We waited in the blistering cold for you
For four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty stubborn man, he got us to the Champions League final
You could have backed him in the transfer window, he could have been an idol
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met in Stratford, you said if we moved we’d be bigger than everyone
See I forgave you for that in some way
I even did you a favour with Archway so they could go away
You used to always promise grand things and no price hikes
But I can still relate to what you're saying in your club statements
So when Spurs have a shitty day, I tweet then block and mute
'Cause I don't really got sh*t else so that sh*t helps when I feel cute
I even got a tattoo of Steve Hitchen across my chest
Sometimes I even rate Mourinho to see how much it hurts
He’s like ketamine, the pain is such a sudden k-hole, the man is proper dirt
See everything you say is real, and I respect you and would love to flirt
My friends are jealous 'cause I vblog about you 24/7
But they don’t know you like I know you Dan, no one does
They don't know what it was like for Joe Lewis growin' up, you gotta call me man
I'll be the biggest blogger you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Spook
P.S. we should share an IPA soon
Chorus
[Spooky]
Dear Mister You're-Gonna-Get-My-Burning-Replica-Kit-Thrown-At-Your-Door
this'll be the last f*cking effigy I ever send you, 1pm Cornerpin, I will end you
It's been Christ knows how long and still no word – new manager? We don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote in blood on 'em perfect…
So this is another audio note I'm sending you, I hope you see and hear it
I'd have rang you using voice-call but I lose reception when I use it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 61 on the High Street
Hey Daniel, I drank ten cans of Holsten, you dare me to do?
You know the song by Hoddle and Waddle, "Diamond Lights"?
About the guy standing alone in the rain regretful
And he declares his love for her even though she's as hard as stone
That's kinda how this is, you're as cold as ice to me, I'm struggling with my airflow
Why the fuck do you persist with ignoring me, do I not deserve a guitar solo?
Now it's too late – you’re gonna appoint Conte over Poch aren’t you?
And all I wanted was peak Poch and some transfer window hauls
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your naked photo-shopped pictures off my bathroom walls
You're not keeping Harry Kane either, he needs to stay up front with Son, think about it...
These two are the greatest, they’ve been destroying the Premiership, do you not dream about it?
And when you dream it, I hope you can see Dele’s nutmegs and you SCREAM about them
I hope the Super League EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE about it. Please don't sell Kane to Man City or Madrid, I want us to build the team around him.
See Daniel; {*screaming*}
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Daniel, that's Eric Dier screamin in the trunk
But he ain't too good, I dropped Chirpy on his head
See I ain't like you
'Cause Eric’s defending makes me frown
It's time to get rid of him knees up mother brown
Well, gotta go, I think I'm almost here now
Oh sh*t, I forgot, how am I gonna renew my season ticket now?
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*Police siren in the distance*}
Chorus
[Daniel Levy]
Dear Mr Spooky, I meant to message you sooner but I've been quite busy
I'm glad you like the new stadium, the NFL will be great there, I tell ya
Look, I'm really flattered you spend so much time protesting at the ground
and here's an autograph for your effigy, his cashmere jumper looks so sound
I wrote it on a P45
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the old Lane, I must have missed you
Don't think I did that intentionally, I had to pull the old girl down, I didn’t mean to diss you
But what's this stuff about the ESL?
I say that's just slightly untoward
Come on now, do you not want to be elected as a non-executive on the club board?
You got some trust issues Spooky, I think you and the THST need counselling
To help I'll put your name down in the raffle for a free sausage, you're bound to win
And don't worry the board will not be resigning, my door is only open for my own investments
I’m sorry about the furlough though, would you like some more refreshments?
I really think you need to stop getting so excited just relax the new manager will be a belter
We've got Kane on a long term contract, my mate Perez and Pep can’t afford him, it’s no helter-skelter
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself,
I think that you'll be doing just fine, if you relax a little
I'm glad I inspire you but Spooky why are you so confused?
Try to understand, there's no Conte or Poch, it's Howe, you should be enthused
You should be so happy season ticket renewals are up, stop being so frantic
I watched this one bloke on the news a couple weeks ago that looked so sycophantic
He crashed his car into Matt Doherty’s house, high and drunk on booze
Had a naked chicken in the trunk and another lad, he was black and blue
And they found the drivers phone with an audio message he made, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it, his name was...it was you...
Damn.
