The 5 methods Gareth Bale is using to force his way out of Tottenham

Spurs News 24/7

1

Always look stern and annoyed. Make sure your facial expression has the constant look of man that has stepped in dog poo. To make sure you achieve this, step in dog poo. If you don't own a dog, purchase one and feed it laxatives. Take the laxatives yourself if you really want to amplify your disgust at Tottenham's refusal to listen to Madrid.

2

Turn up a bit late for training. Say five minutes, not late enough to be rebellious but still late enough to suggest some ambiguity that perhaps you got stuck in traffic or had a pre-arranged meeting with your agent that the club already knew about. Don't worry about the lack of context. You'll avoid a fine but allow the media to creatively 'fill in the blanks' thanks to your slow drive in. Remember, stern face, when passing by photographers. If you have a Muller Rice handy, place some on corners of mouth to resemble foaming to give the suggestion you are livid and rabid with frustration.

3

Scribble your trademarked heart celebration on your face and ask your current team mates to refer to you as 'The forward formerly an attacking midfielder formerly a winger formerly a left-back formerly known as Garth Bale'. Start talking in falsetto and refuse to train. Wear a shirt with the word 'SLAVE' on the back.

In addition, request all your images be removed from social media and websites until this protracted transfer saga is settled.

Tell Spurs not to worry too much about the impact of your departure by offering some support and suggestions to marketing, stating that that the billboard in Times Square, BT adverts and the cover of FIFA14 don't need to be amended because Spurs can simply promote Kenny McEvoy to the first team as the new world wide face of Tottenham Hotspur.

4

Introduce improvisational art house drama to training to enforce your desire to leave Spurs and illustrate the demonic selfishness of chairman Daniel Levy with abstract narrative. Have Jonathan Barnett take the role of Levy during the role play and acquire the services of Chirpy to follow you around in a massive white balloon.

Adhere to the following script to draw attention to your plight: 

Bale: Where am I?
Levy: In Hotspur Way,
Bale: What do you want?
Levy: £100M. Not a penny less. Cash up front.
Bale: Whose side are you on?
Levy: ENIC...
Bale: You won't get it!
Levy: By hook or by crook, we will. I'll keep you imprisoned.
Bale: Who are you?
Levy: Number two to Joe Lewis.
Bale: Who is Number One?
Levy: Lloris. You are Number Eleven.
Bale: I am not a number; I am a free roaming man!
Levy: [Laughter] Prepare yourself for a season in the Europa League!

5

Pretend you're Ryan Gosling in any given indie movie. Don't say or do anything, release no public statement either in support of staying or leaving. Do not speak a word. Just wonder around impacting everyone you come across with glancing looks of emptiness. Nothing much will happen. You'll be seen walking, standing, driving. That stern, detached look on face. Then, choose your moment carefully, to show your true emotions by going completely ****ing mental. Chuck a crisp packet out of your car window and mutter expletives under your breath. Then leave, with no indication if you'll ever be back.

Follow these methods knowing with confidence that Sky Sports News and Marca will broker the deal to Madrid and confirm it via yellow ticker.