Time to end this once and for all

17 Jan

Written By Spooky

Spurs News 24/7

Present day, meeting room 666

Death – Okay, thanks for attending. We’ve got a fair bit to work through this morning

Pestilence – God damn it

Famine – What?

Pestilence – I’m wearing different coloured socks

War – Laugh out loud

Famine – I hate it when that happens

Pestilence – Why is that amusing to you War?

War – It’s textbook you. It’s your signature

Pestilence – My signature?

War – You always make make daft mistakes

Pestilence – I do? Name 'em

War – Swine flu. Using pages from the Maya calender when you had that crazy bout of diarrhoea. The Black Plague...

Pestilence – The Black Plague. How was that a mistake?

War – How was it a mistake? You were meant to be on a stag-do in the Congo

Pestilence – And?

War – And? And? Don't me laugh out loud again. You got so drunk you ended up sprawled naked on the Great Wall of China in a puddle of p*ss

Pestilence – Ah, yes, good times

War – Yes, amazing. I’m sure the locals appreciated your skinny flea-ridden body on show

Pestilence – You're so grim and miserable War. It was just mad bantz. So what, I got drunk and wet myself. Big deal. As for the fleas, low blow pal. I was all about hobo chic back then. Was all the rage

War – Your little escapade ended up killing 150 million people

Pestilence – 200 million thank you very much

War – The project roadmap had that pandemic pencilled in for 1450

Pestilence – Okay, so I sort of misplaced the pathogen during the hangover. My you're bitter about this. You still struggling to get World War III signed off?

War – Misplaced? You smashed it over your head

Pestilence – Dropped...I dropped the pathogen on my head...a few years earlier than planned. Who cares? Job done

War – Carelessness

Pestilence – Oh please. Leave it out. It was one of my objectives for that particular cluster of centuries. 1300s, 1400s, what's a hundred years between friends? And if you care to remember I scored 97% which pushed my end of year score to an exceptional 5 out of 6

War – You went on a ten year bender across the Mediterranean and Europe

Pestilence – Happy days. Those black rats really know how to throw a boat party

War - Sheer luck

Pestilence - Sheer luck or sheer jealousy? <pulls up shirt to reveal tattoo> Read it and weep loser..."60% of Europe’s population killed"

War – Whatever

Famine – <sarcastically> I agree with War. You screwed up Pestilence. It’s almost as bad as say...I don’t know...joyriding an Asteroid into the earth's surface

Pestilence – Hahaha

War – Now hold on a minute. That Asteroid was faulty. I was aiming for the moon

Famine – You killed the Dinosaurs man!

Pestilence – Mass extinction of several species...got to give him that

Famine – Suspended without pay

War – I wasn't suspended. I was on a sabbatical. I was young, it was 66 million years ago

Pestilence – Your f*ck up was the catalyst for this whole company going through an unnecessary restructure. The consolidation meant we had to muck around with monkey DNA and invent religion. We've been reeling from the paper-work ever since. Not forgetting the new job titles. Some of us LOVED the wildlife back then. Could you not have joy ridden a T-Rex like everyone else? No, you just had to be Mr Big Billy Bolloc...

Death – ENOUGH! Leave it for the canteen gentlemen please

Death – Okay. Times have changed people. Our agendas these days are far more subtle and delicate in application. Religion, disease, social upheaval, financial meltdowns...we do all that in our sleep and we're thankful for the plentiful organic out-sourcing our evolved monkeys up there do for us. BAU work is exactly that. This on-going project, however, is at critical stage. We need to knock heads, come up with a plan and execute it with the utmost professionalism

Famine – Do you want me to create a forecast report?

Death – No. There’s no time for administrative work here. Let’s get the job done and dusted then we can play catch-up with the paper work

Famine - How about Jaffa Cakes? Anyone want Jaffa Cakes? I can put the kettle on. I'm parched

Death - No Jaffa Cakes

Pestilence – What’s the assignment?

Death – Look at the calendar

War – Oh crap! It’s almost Valentine’s Day. Anyone know what I can get Medusa? I’m thinking hair products but don’t know if the snakes have any allergic reactions to fragrances. I’m thinking maybe a conditioner? She’s got dandruff. You think it’s rude if I get her a conditioner? I mean, look at the state of my suit. One hug and it looks like the Grim Reaper has sneezed coke all over me

Pestilence – He’s done that to you too?

War – Yeah. Christmas party. If you think he’s bad normally, can’t shut him up when he’s had a couple of lines

Famine – So that’s why he carries that Scythe around with him

War – He doesn’t own any plastic. He went bankrupt a few years back. Loves the gee-gees

Death – Please gentleman. That’s my brother you’re talking about

Pestilence – Just how many brothers do you have?

Death – There’s a fair few of us. Samael, Abaddon, the angel of death...to name a few

Pestilence – All my family are dead

Death – That’s not entirely our fault now is it

War – If it ain’t the Black Death it’s leprosy. You're such a clutz

Pestilence – You’re out of order! I was stressed. Took some work home with me. Might have contaminated the wife. She might have lost a couple of limbs...

War - ...She lost all of them...

Pestilence - ...She might have lost all of her limbs. What would you have me do? Miss out on the company bonus?

Death – SILENCE

Death – Can we please focus on Tottenham Hotspur gentlemen. Take another look at the calendar and you’ll note Deadline Transfer Day is but two weeks away. We’ve done our very best down the years to make sure Spurs do not progress and elevate themselves to elitism. Alan Sugar, Lasagne...

Pestilence - ...my favourite dish...

Death - ...Jermaine Jenas, Chelsea winning the Champions League, Harry Redknapp and the England job, Sandro's injury...we’ve worked minor miracles. But we have one more to complete to stop any consolidation from playing out. Spurs are looking to sign a striker and a midfielder. Any assured movement in the transfer market and they will be strong in depth. And that is simply unacceptable

War – Assured? Really? This is Totteham we're talking about. Can we not just let things play out naturally then on the last day of the window we can speed up time so they attempt to do all their work in the final 15 minutes before panic buying some mid-table footballer as a stop-gap?

Death – No. Unfortunately the risk is too high. That’s worked for a fair few years now so there’s no guarantee it will work this time round. Redknapp was the trigger for that particular gun and we’re all out of bullets. This Andre Villas-Boas character seems to aim a little higher with targets than the previous one

Famine – How about Robbie Keane?

Death – They’ve not taken the bait. He’s training with them, not on loan

Pestilence – Lasagne again? They’ve got Manchester United this weekend

War – It’s fine. I got this. Chris Foy is officiating

Famine – Are we sure we can’t just wait? Daniel Levy...he’s very stubborn. Money might not be there to spend. He never spends big in January, always opportunistic signings. Should we really be this concerned about Spurs consolidating?

Death – We need to bottom this out once and for all. It has to be seen that this department was influential in doing that. We can’t be having this same assignment every single January

Death - Some one has to pay Mr Levy a visit. Perhaps introduce to him to a different type of deadline day

Death - War, get my brother on the conference line. Time to end this once and for all

War – Which brother?

Death – You know which brother...

War - Is he...?

Death - He's out of rehab

May 2013, end of the season, meeting room 666

Famine – Seriously...wtf?

War - This is...unreal

Pestilence – You should see our Facebook page. We are getting dogs abuse

War – Too late for a change request submission form with the time-travel department?

RADIO – 'And Spurs are crowned champions of England...Tottenham Hotspur, Premier League winners...and look at the joy on Andre Villas-Boas face...delirium on the faces of all the Spurs players and their supporters...Look at that, look at the joy on the faces of the deadline day transfer signings that shook this league to its very foundations...Sneijder, Leandro Damiao, Holtby, Willian and Kenwyne Jones!' Glory glory hallelujah!

War - Jones?

Pestilence - At least one thing went right

Death – I’m going to kill my brother when I see him, the stupid soft sonofab*tch!

White Hart Lane, a week before the January 2013 Deadline Day

Levy – Yes?

Grim Reaper - Hello Daniel. Your time is up. I’m here to make sure your passage onto the next realm is a...smooth one

Levy – You have...you have something on your nose

Grim Reaper – Oh...< sniff > Thank you

Levy – You’ll have to speak to my PA, she’ll book you in for an appointment. I’m a little busy now so say, perhaps in 50 years time?

Grim Reaper – Hmm. Let me check my calendar...don’t you hate these Blackberrys? My fingers are way too fat for the keyboard buttons...Hoooooold on a minute, you can’t reschedule this appointment

Levy – Look, I know you have a job to do. I’m sure you’re paid very well for it. But you look a little, dare I say, worn out? Tired. Are those bags under your eyes? What kind of holiday allowance do you get?

Grim Reaper – Holiday?

Levy – Yes, time off

Grim Reaper – Time off? Pffffff. I don’t get time off. And these bags under my eyes, they scream 'hard worker'. Do you know how many appointments you would need to keep to get these bags?

Levy – You don’t get much time off do you? What about entertainment? There must be something you enjoy doing?

Grim Reaper – Er...I don’t know. This. This is my entertainment. What I’m doing now. Me taking you to the next realm

Levy – Is it though? Really?

Grim Reaper – Well, no, I guess not. It’s work

Levy – You like your job?

Grim Reaper – I guess so. It has perks. Office parties. Unlimited supply of scythes. Do you know how versatile these things are? I can cut the finest line of cocaine you'll ever...

Levy – Long hours right?

Grim Reaper – Yeah, yeah. I haven’t had a weekend off for a few thousand years. Human Resources never answer my calls

Levy – I can help you out

Grim Reaper – You can? How can you possibly do that? What do you have to offer? You are a mere mortal, you have nothing to offer me...Oooh is that a bagel? Do you mind?

Levy - Go ahead

Grim Reaper - Mmmm....delicious

Levy – If I can offer you something, something that you will embrace with all the enthusiasm that you could possibly bestow onto yourself

Grim Reaper - Go on...

Levy - As long as you walk out of this office after the handshake and the agreement, without me accompanying you

Grim Reaper – You have my attention. I’ll listen to your offer. This better be good...

A few weeks later...

Grim Reaper – Ah...this is blissful. Quiet and so desolate. Unequivocally soulless. A desert of pain and hurt. No joy to behold, misery and despondency no matter where I Iook. How did I manage to miss this place! It’s paradise! No need for the old scythe here, everyone is dead already!

Man – Wenger out!

Another man – You don’t know what you’re doing!

Grim Reaper – <waves to waitress> Excuse me, madam, more prawns please and may you be so kind to tell me what beverages this executive box season ticket can get me?

Time to end this once and for all

Tick tock

Belong