The casual guide to feeding squirrels by Dimitar Berbatov

The smile in this photograph is a representation of a smile created in photoshop for creative effect

Hello, my name is Dimitar Berbatov. And this is my guide to feeding squirrels.

I am a Manchester United superstar. I am on the bench for most games to avoid injury and exhaustion so I am always 100% ready to change a game when required and coming off the bench to display my £30M worth of sublime qualities.

You need to be elegant on the pitch and to do so you must be equally elegant off it. It's unlikely you will master life and football to the standards I do, but there is no harm in embracing my squirrel-football ethos. You will be better than the average you are now by taking a step towards understanding my ways.

Remain cool at all times

To be in a good frame of mind, mentally, you must be calm and controlled. I am a private person who has no need to celebrate with cartwheels or aeroplanes. I simply want to play football, nothing more nothing less. When I score, inside, I am a fountain of joy. I do not need to smile or hug to prove this. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it simply means I don’t care if you think I don’t care.

But I care very much like when I ask for something in hospitality when travelling with the team to an away game and the hospitality girl gets it wrong. It must be perfection or it is nothing, you understand? If I want my tea strong then it must be strong, so make it strong. I did not ask for milky tea. If I want milky tea I will say, please make sure you put plenty of milk in my tea, and then I will have milky tea but when I say strong then it means I do not want a f*cking milkshake... исус христос... what is wrong with some people! Do not make mistakes. You have one chance to get it right, so get it right. It is either perfect or it is unacceptable.

I am upset now. One moment please.

Ok. Let’s continue.

Field of play

I am someone with plenty of time on my hands. On the pitch and off it. I am the master of my own time. When playing I am like Neo from the Matrix. I do what I want and go where I want. I do not need to run around like a lunatic. I know where the ball will be before it arrives so I make sure I’m there waiting for it. That’s how good I am. This allows me time to make sure my hair brace is not out of place and my sleeve-gloves have all my fingers through them. Why run when you can walk and still get to where you want to be? Everyone is in such a hurry. Rush rush rush all the time. I tell that Carlos, slow down, you will have a heart attack if you don’t try to relax a little. But he never listens. And now, it looks like he will be running out of Manchester. He's like Forrest Gump, he never stops running, the fool.

The football pitch must be treated with respect. Like your garden. Do you run around your garden like a mad man? Of course not. It is a place of tranquillity. A place where you go to think. To philosophise. Much like the football pitch.

I prefer the peace and quiet and not the bright lights, night clubs and paparazzi. This is not me. If you have a garden maybe outside of the city or in the countryside this is a good thing. To be secluded and alone is good because it means you are your own priority. You are number one. Me. Dimitar Berbatov.

Theatre of Dreams

I like the squirrels. They are wonderful. I like to watch them eat and play in the garden. It is soothing for me. I understand them because they are very much like me. They know what they want. They go for it. They don’t bother anyone else and they are content, never having to smile to prove it.

When I play football I think of the squirrels. If you make a lot of noise and run around you will scare the squirrels away. You must be cunning like them. A little sly and subtle. If you feed the squirrels they will be happy, if you feed me the ball, I will be happy.

If you want to be like me you must first buy a bird table. I have some in my garden. I have ten. Hire someone else to install them. I am Dimitar Berbatov. I do not have time for work.

If you live in the city or a flat you can feed them from a balcony but this is not perfect. I did this when I lived in London. But a garden is best. It is bigger and better than a London flat which for me is too claustrophobic and small. If you are ambitious and want to feed more than just a couple of city squirrels, you must be strong and do everything in your power to move on and claim your dream for a bigger garden.

Remember to keep the bird tables high up so cats or dogs do not get the opportunity to kill the squirrels. The higher the better. You must avoid having the squirrels walk across your lawn to get to the bird tables because cats can hide and attack. The sonsofbitches, are always ready to attack. You drop your nuts on the lawn and they are ready to pounce, no mercy. They will tear you apart because of one mistake.

The squirrels...the squirrels...they will tear the squirrels apart. Do not drop your nuts.

Once you have your bird tables ready with food, the squirrels will congregate to be social and eat. But you must be careful to feed them the right type of food.

Healthy Diet

Peanuts and sunflower seeds should be placed on the tables as these are the most popular with the squirrels. But it is best to try many different foods if you want them coming back for more. Hazel nuts and sometimes for a special treat a walnut. The more you feed them something extra special the more squirrels you will find come to visit.

Fruit is also good. Apple, pear or plums is very delicious for them. Remember you must slice the fruit. The red squirrels will love this and they will love you. You need to mix it up, be creative. Like the way I beat James Collins to assist Ronaldo for his second goal at Old Trafford. You know, what I’m talking about. The magnificent turn and deft touch of the ball. There I am, there's the ball, there is Collins and....oops, where have I gone, I'm over here James, the ball is with me and you are still over there kicking air and then I give the ball to the feet of Cris and it is a goal. 2-0. I smile a little, but no white teeth.

I was able to achieve this skill because in my mind I was projecting the motion of feeding a nut to a hungry squirrel. A graceful movement, one that glides without impatience or forcefulness. At that moment I left Collins behind I transcended between Old Trafford and my garden, feeding a squirrel and Ronaldo.

Do not feed

Finally, it is very important that you do not feed them wheat, dried maize or peas. This is like playing in a team with Zokora, Jenas and Bent. Do you want your squirrels to choke? Of course not, so do not feed them shit.

And finally you must remember grey squirrels are scum. They carry sickness and can infect red squirrels which will kill them. You must remove all food from your garden until the grey squirrels are hunted down and destroyed by the wild life authorities. Or perhaps you successfully capture them all yourself and have them eliminated then stuffed and placed in your trophy cabinet. Either way is fine.

And that is my guide to feeding squirrels and if you follow my guide by doing so you will be richer in life, both professionally and privately. You will find a parallel between your most quiet moments off the pitch and your most quiet moments on the pitch allowing you to control your destiny with casual ease. Thank you.

By guest-blogger Dimitar Berbatov.