Tottenham's transfer policy explained...

White Hart Lane. The chairman’s office. A few weeks back...

HARRY: We need some proper players here.
LEVY: Ok, not a problem. Let me just get Damien in here and…
HARRY: Comolli? You sacked him.
LEVY: Oh yes, of course I did. Laugh out loud!
HARRY: Come on Daniel, breathe nice and slow, here...take a seat, I’ll fetch you a glass of water.
LEVY: I’m not sure I can make...make any suggestions.
HARRY: You let me worry about the targets. Make sure you’ve got the readies ready for Redknapp. HAHAHA, got to use that one next time I speak to the boys from the press.
LEVY: Who are you after?
HARRY: For a start, Defoe. They love ‘em here. We should bring him back.
LEVY: He’ll cost more than we sold him for.
HARRY: Pompey owe £5M for Kaboul, so we can write that off as part of the deal.
LEVY: That might just work. I’ll earmark £15M for Jermain.
HARRY: We also need a proper midfielder. A DM, holding type of midfielder. Not enough grit from the current lot.
LEVY: Any thoughts?
HARRY: Not sure at the minute. Shame Diarra went to Madrid. Might need to watch Match of the Day to get an idea of what’s available. Or take a trip to Africa. All expenses paid of course.
LEVY: Well, we could…
HARRY: What?
LEVY: There’s a formula Damien and myself would use when we signed players. We could possibly implement it now. It’s effective. Worked with Bale, Bentley, Gomes and Pav.
HARRY: I’m all ears.
LEVY: Well, based on Fantasy Football points accumulated and tabloid reporting and tv highlights we calculate who is considered to be the most hyped up player of the past month.
HARRY: Ok. Then what.
LEVY: We bid between £14M and £16M for him.
HARRY: You know...that might just work.
LEVY: There is another system which is equally as affective.
HARRY: Hold on, let me get a notepad.....go on…
LEVY: We buy whoever played well against us.
HARRY: That’s brilliant! Gives us plenty of targets to choose from. We’ll use this going forward.
LEVY: You don’t want to use your system?
HARRY: What system?
LEVY: ...
HARRY: ...
LEVY: Right. Targets.
HARRY: I want Bellamy.
LEVY: Hold on, we haven’t used the formula.
HARRY: He’s scoring goals, he’s on form. He’s got grit and determination.
LEVY: I’ll call West Ham.
HARRY: Bid £12M, that should do it. West Ham are desperate for the cash.
LEVY: Ok.
HARRY: And Defoe?
LEVY: Already made a bid.
HARRY: How?
LEVY: Blackberry.
HARRY: Triffic. Triffic. Love modern technology. Only had paper back in my day.
LEVY: I was right getting rid of the director of football system wasn’t I?
HARRY: Of course you were, of course. Can you use that Bluebell thingie to text Duxbury about Bellamy?
LEVY: Also done. Fingers slipped though, and I bid £15M for him.
HARRY: Triffic. We work well together, don’t we?
LEVY: We do. Director of football? Who needs one?
HARRY: Not us! Let’s get Appiah in for a trial.
LEVY: Harry, Harry, Harry…the formula! The formula!!
HARRY: I know, I know, but he’s a free agent.
LEVY: Sorry, he’s a what?
HARRY: A free agent.
LEVY: I don’t get it.
HARRY: He’s free. He won’t cost us anything.
LEVY: He won’t cost us anything?
HARRY: That’s right.
LEVY: So, he’ll cost us something?
HARRY: No, he won’t cost us anything...something...we don’t need to pay a transfer fee. He’s free.
LEVY: But...but someone needs to be paid.
HARRY: Well, there’s his wages to consider. Signing-on fee.
LEVY: Not...enough...someone...must...be...paid…
HARRY: Daniel...Daniel, breathe...that’s it...here’s your paper bag...breathe...that’s it...
LEVY: Can we talk about something else?
HARRY: Yeah, of course...of course.
LEVY: Good, good.
HARRY: How about Palacios?
LEVY: The Wigan player?
HARRY: Yes. Perfect fit, upgrade on Zokora.
LEVY: He can pass and tackle?
HARRY: Yes.
LEVY: Can he dance?
HARRY: I...I don’t know.
LEVY: Ok, hold on. Let me look at the formula…
HARRY: ...
LEVY: ...
HARRY: So...?
LEVY: Hold on a sec...And we...YES!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! HE FITS THE BILL!!!!!
HARRY: Daniel, Dan mate...get down from up there, you’ll break your back!
LEVY: Stop your worrying! Today is a good day!
HARRY: So, Palacios?
LEVY: Texting via my Blackberry as I speak.
HARRY: Another £15M?
LEVY: Just under actually.
HARRY: Really?
LEVY: I’m feeling a little cheeky...